There is a time in everyone's life when reality stares at you and you don't or can't stare back. You try to compare and contrast with someone else's and arrive at a conclusion that yours is better than a lot of others. Convincing your conscience into confidence poses as a finer option. I saw myself in this scenario an year ago when I was fumigating my lungs with a complex mixture of carbon gases and for the first time felt sad, for giving in to an addiction in my life.
And then there is a moment, when a small window of time comes up to give you a glimpse of your future-self after a few years into the dependence. The little window is a portal to a harsh reality called truth and also an elixir to a dead conscience. I saw myself in that window, restless and crotchety when deprived of a roll of tobacco after long hours of work or laziness. I had freedom but still was a slave, I had option but no option, I had space but constrained. I ended up planning my day according to my smoking schedule, It was unimportant but it was unavoidable.
And then fear.
The wake created a flutter but the alarm was more important. The acquiescent me had to be transformed to an adamantine me. No, was the word I learnt for the day, when and where to use it was the challenge that lay ahead. It is tough I must say it is. but the ones who say 'no' are the ones who feel like maximus when he won hearts of the people by winning his life. Its a battle you fight with yourself to save your conscience from getting mutilated again, but it is to be won and there is no secondary. The battle is so long that you forget how long you stood up against the enemy but victory is in the mere fact that you kept fighting. I have fought for 8 months now and will keep fighting all such battles till I win the war.
